“I’m turning forty

And I’m freaking out,”

I’ve been telling

Anyone who will listen,

And some who won’t.

Most people smile and

Cock their heads,

Puzzled,

And say something like,

“Really?

I never would’ve thought

You

Would let it bother you.”

A few who have already

Lurched past this

Milestone

Nod and smirk,

Understanding.

Instead of the trope of

Buying a sports car

(Do people really do that?)

I quit my job and

Am going to MBA school.

“A reinvention,”

I say.

So there,

Time.

Fixing on my

Age,

All of the worst of me

Bubbles to the surface.

My vanity about my looks.

My ambition to make money.

My drive for some ego-feeding recognition.

But underneath it all

Is this:

I don’t want to die,

And I’m recently aware that

That’s actually going to happen to me.

I love life.

The complexity of the

Human experience,

Making sense of

You.

You’re utterly fascinating.

You animal,

Dressed up in the

Costume of civilization.

Everyday new

Dawning realizations about the

Human condition.

Some sad.

Some tender.

Some so kind and selfless it

Brings tears.

Somehow it hadn’t

Truly sunk in

Until the last year or so

That I ever really

Would die.

People who get old,

People who get sick,

People who die,

They’re a different species,

Like a platypus or a

Tree sloth,

Exotic,

Bizarre,

Inexplicable.

And me,

I like to plan.

I have

Cardboard boxes of

Schedules in my skull,

Neatly labelled with

Time increments.

Usually hour by

Breathless hour,

With all the activities of

Daily living

Placed in each box,

And the tops neatly closed.

Now on my fortieth birthday,

I’m taking the macro view,

And I’m dividing my schedule into

Decades and

Decades-and-a-half,

Each time increment

Labelled with an

Ascending color of the rainbow.

Now stay with me

For a minute,

‘Cause I’m about to

Get all

Hippy-dippy here,

A symptom of my dotage.

I have a vision of

Each of the

Segments of my life

Corresponding with one of the

Chakras,

The whirling energy

Centers that

Ladder up your spinal column

In some Buddhist traditions.

Age zero to five.

Red chakra.

The root at the coccyx.

Related to instinct, security, survival, potential

Like a child

New to this human form and this earth.

Age five to fifteen.

Orange chakra.

Sacrum level.

Related to relationships, emotional needs, creativity, addiction,

Which all grew in me during my childhood years.

Age fifteen to thirty.

Yellow chakra.

Solar plexus chakra.

Related to personal power, fear, anxiety, transition to complex emotions.

Anxiety, addiction, defiance and adventure typify this period of my life.

Age thirty to forty.

Green chakra.

Heart chakra.

Related to unconditional love, equilibrium, well-being, compassion for self and others.

My thirties were about recovery from addiction,

Starting a family,

Creative and career focus.

Age forty to fifty-five.

Turquoise chakra.

Throat chakra.

Related to communication and growth through expression, independence, security.

I envision this time of life as

Cultivating my voice and

Building what will leave my tiny little mark on this world.

Age fifty-five to seventy.

Blue chakra.

Third-eye chakra

In the forehead.

Related to intuition, visual consciousness, trusting inner guidance.

After building and growing,

Now taking my activities to a level of

Wisdom about this

Life and this world.

Age seventy to ninety.

Purple chakra.

Crown of the head.

A time of teaching and wisdom,

Preparing for the death of the body,

Inner wisdom.

Bonus life stage:

Age ninety to one hundred.

Pink chakra.

A point above the head.

A time for love

And only love.

I do this planning with a

Wink and a nudge to the

Powers of the universe,

Who,

I’m aware,

Could make me

Light and stardust at

Any blessed moment.

But somehow

It makes me feel better to

Envision the span of my life

In this way,

And see that I’m

Past the middle of the

Rainbow,

Into the blues.

Blues are

Sky and

Water and

Coolness.

I’ll take all those things.