Our doula perches on the edge of the
Chair in our living room.
She has short sandy hair,
No make-up.
I am cuter than she is,
Which I hadn’t realized was important
But is.
You don’t want a cute doula.
“I think I’m going to sit on the floor,”
She says, and slides off the chair into
Lotus position.
She pulls papers and notebooks out of her
Whole Foods bag and
Fans them in a semi-circle around her.
The rug she is sitting on
Needs a good vacuum,
And some spot remover.
She folds her freckled, braceleted hands in her lap and
Smiles up at us.
“So,” she says.
“Let’s talk about your
Fears.”
Ah yes.
My fears.
The whole point of this meeting.
I’m lucky. My fears don’t consist of
Fistula,
Rupture,
Hemorrhage,
Obstruction.
I’m not afraid of dying,
Or of days in agony,
Or crippling lifelong injury.
But I do have fears.
“Okay, so,
Remember I told you my
Mother died in January?
Of Alzheimer’s?
Well,
I haven’t really been that
Upset
About it.
I haven’t been crying.”
I look at Joe for confirmation of my stoicism,
And he nods.
“I don’t know why.
I feel weird about it.
Like, have I been too busy to grieve?
Or was it that she was sick for so long
I’ve done a lot of the grieving already?
I don’t know.
But here’s my fear:
That in the rush of emotion after the baby’s born,
In those first seconds,
The grief will
Suddenly
Surface,
Or be unleashed.”
Our doula is nodding,
Jotting in a notebook
Labeled with my name.
I fall silent,
Imagining it:
A surge of bitter,
Unacknowledged emotion,
Having its moment
Then and there
In the delivery room.
Ruining it.
Ruining the birth.
I hate this shit.
Grief.
“That makes so much sense,”
Our doula says, writing something,
Then looking up at me.
“And I’m so sorry about your mom.”
We talk for awhile,
And as she’s leaving,
Our doula hugs me and
Thanks me for telling her about my mother.
“I think your mom will come up during the birth,”
She says.
“I think it will happen.”
A few days later,
Something happens:
At my mom’s funeral in January,
I had asked my dad for her wedding ring.
I wanted to wear it for a while.
That was three months ago,
And he just remembered to give it to me
That week
After our meeting with the doula.
We were having lunch,
And he pulled the small cardboard box out of his pocket.
Presented it to me.
My mom’s ring.
“I have it now,”
I tell our doula on the phone.
“I’m going to wear it in the delivery room.
She’ll be
There,
Sort of.”
I am talking excitedly
Because the fear-dread is gone.
If there’s grief,
There’s grief.
I’ll let it in the room
And give it a symbol–
The ring–
And some
Words,
Tell my husband and our doula
I’m thinking about my mom.
Acknowledge the grief.
“What a fabulous idea,”
Our doula says.
“I love it.”
I don’t love it,
But I’m peaceful with it.
And that’s more important.