It would seem that this

Bag of bones I’ve been

Knocking around in for the past

38 years

Is not

Optimized

For this world I’m

Living in.

This from an

Evolutionary biologist

I heard on the radio

The other day,

Who explained it all to me:

How we’re

Wired for

Starvation and

Physical privation,

Our bodies finely tuned

Through the

Millennia to

Survive in a world of

Lack,

Of intense caloric output,

To reproduce

Ten to fifteen times,

Nurturing less than

Half those offspring

Into puberty

And then

Dying

At age twenty-five

Of an abscessed tooth-

Turned-brain-infection

Or some other such

Horrifically painful

Stone age style of demise.

All the physical problems that plague me,

He would say,

Are a result of

Our

Physical

Mismatch

With our environment.

Like polar bears in a desert,

He called us humans.

Many of our

Physical advantages in a world of

Lack

Turn into

Liabilities

The way we live now.

How I jones for sugar

Like a tweaking addict,

And then eat myself sick on candy when I

Succumb to the

Imperious urge–

Especially when I’m tired:

Supposed to be that way,

My new scientist BFF said.

We crave the

Quick energy burst

Sweets provide as a

Survival mechanism to

Get us through times we’re

Physically

Depleted.

Anxiety that can

Awaken me at 2 a.m. to

Worry about

NOTHING

AT

ALL?

Need it

To alert me to and

Help me outrun

Predators.

I imagine even

Having to pee all the time

Is partly because my

Kidneys are meant to

Process as much

Water as I could

Lap out of a puddle,

Not what I could

Guzzle out of a cardboard

Grande cup from Caribou.

Weight gain?

We’re programmed to do it.

The drive to

Not

Starve

Is about as strong an

Urge as

We

Animals

Will ever experience.

It’s actually kind of cool,

If you step

Way

Back

And think about it,

That we can

Store calories–

Energy–

In the form of fat deposits.

Imagine how very useful

That was

Back in the day.

This guy helped remind me that,

In a sense,

It’s not my fault.

There are very good

Design

Reasons

Why we’re built this way.

All this kinda

Makes a girl want to

Go live in the woods.

Get back to the

Physical survival mode

I was designed to exist in.

And it’s not because I’m romanticizing that time.

The only romantic part would be

Cutting my weight by a third

(Although all the other hardships might be worth it,

Right?)

I just want it to be

Easier to

Give the

Ol’ girl

What she was made to do.

Do you think the people who

Invented all these

Amazing labor-saving

Devices could ever have imagined

That their

Descendents would

Try to avoid using them?

I like to contemplate what will happen

Now,

If I have faith in the

Human body’s ability to

Evolve

Quickly

I could imagine a day–

Soon–

When we could metabolize thousands of

Extra calories a day,

And our bladders would double in size to

Allow for the Starbucksization of our

Fluid intake.

Will we convenience ourselves into

Extinction?

We’ll have to see.

Meanwhile,

I’m going to go

Have a Snickers bar and a pee.